I Want, I Will & I Can

Oddly, I Feel Gratitude

One of my recent favourite books is Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture.

His humour amid life’s adversity is an apt reminder of how one should live.

Something bad happens - but is bad truly ‘bad’?

Maybe the Universe knows what to gift me better than I know what to ask for.

Career

I didn’t get the job.

I pivoted. I convinced the hiring manager to let me do a short term assignment in that function. I am happy to put in my own time at night to take on the extra work to round out my skills.

My new manager was reluctant. He’s still trying to figure out resourcing on his team since he just started this role. The idea of me dual-hatting doesn’t sit right with him. I understand where he is coming from. But I asserted. I forced many uncomfortable conversations and shared my last 3 performance reviews with my new manager. In our most recent meeting, he told me, “You’re clearly a high performer, and I will definitely lean on you in this role.”

Without the job rejection and the subsequent career conversations, I would not have thought to share my performance reviews with my new manager. I didn’t do this intentionally, but I planted a positive seed.

Also, I got my way with the short term assignment albeit at a later start date. I’m happy to compromise. The timing works out better for me anyways.

Mom

The doctor called yesterday. Mom has cervical cancer and needs surgery pronto. We don’t know what stage, how severe or when we will hear about next steps.

We are leaving for Portugal in 24 hours.

I’m so glad I planned this vacation and the vacation is scheduled for when it is serendipitously. I get to spoil my mom (and my aunt) just in time for what I know will be a successful surgery.

Relationship

I’m thankful he set me free. I spent my entire 20s and 30s dating with malleability. My friends joke that I’ve dated all colours of the rainbow. At this point, I know clearly the type of partner I need. If he cannot step up, set me free. The feeler in me will invest despite knowing the relationship is wrong. So, please leave, don’t let me invest.

Home

I was engulfed in fear when my realtor presented me with real estate options outside of my budget. The negative cash flow jumped at me.

After calming down and churning out the numbers - I realize, what a privileged position I am in. Without a tenant and without a job, I have enough liquid equity to carry the investment property for 13 months.

The economic uncertainty is causing buyers to hesitate. Investment properties are not moving. Very few people have the gunpowder to buy right now - but I do.

I am very scared.

But I’ve always made big financial moves when people are scared.

The negative cash flow is not a negative, it’s an opportunity.

————

Shakespeare: 'There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.’

I choose good.

Pi Day, Bye Day

3/14

“I think I’m not where I should be emotionally with this relationship”

With that, he ended it.

I’m not sure if it’s because he’s simply not into me, or if his work is so all-consuming that he can’t date. Or perhaps he wants to date someone logistically easier who meshes into his schedule more than I do.

I didn’t ask.

His actions over the last 1.5 months showed that I was not a priority.

It stung. We’ve only seen each other five times over the last 1.5 months. The emotional investment was still capped. So, I’m okay.

——

I still wonder what he’s up to. Is he back on the apps? Already seeing someone new?

That urge to know is still there, but it’s far lower than in my previous relationships.

I wonder if this is an indication of my growth. Maybe my regular meditation practice is helping me stay centered. Alternatively, the relationship may have been too short, peppered with red flags along the way - making it hard for me to be fully engulfed post breakup.

Regardless, I’m beginning to grasp and live this:

Why put myself through the sting of grieving the loss of us - and then the second sting of knowing he could be seeing someone else? That he could have chosen someone else over me?

I don’t need to put myself through that sting twice. Once is enough.

Recognizing this helps me counter the need to find out what he’s up to. I choose my peace, which remains largely in tact.

——

My heart remains full. I am still ready, still open. I look forward to my next relationship, I know he will be awesome.

Pi Day, Bye Day.

0 notes

John, I Miss You

John flashed through my head again.

Context: About John & I

I haven’t seen John since Covid. For over twenty years, I visited John regularly - from weekly visits when we were teenagers, to about twice a month when I entered adulthood.

I stopped during Covid. I haven’t seen John for three years. I have never gone this long without seeing John since I started my visits in 1999.

When I think about John in our no-contact state, I feel a palette of emotions: affection, nostalgia and… guilt. I abandoned John after twenty years. Covid gave me an easy excuse to phase out of his life. Committing to biweekly visits is a big time-suck when I am already constantly racing against time.

I know what I mean to John.

Hence I am overwhelmed by guilt whenever I reflect on my convenient ‘phase-out’.

——————

Two nights ago, John flashed through my head again.

Is John still living in the group home? Is there someone who sings and dances with John in my absence? Is the Ker family doing well?

The next day, I emailed John’s mom.

I asked to see John again. At this stage of my life, it’s hard to commit to regular visits like I once did. But I’d still like to take John out on an ad hoc basis - I want John in my life - he has a special place in my heart.

My email was met with excitement from John’s mom. I’m going to take John out when the weather gets warmer.

I don’t know what took me so long to reach out. But one thing is for sure: I am glad that I did.

John, I miss you.

I Took Him To…

My ex asked me where I was taking him to, I responded with:

Kids of the 90s.
Pixels. Colours. Neon lights.
Convergence of forgotten classics.
Escape. Youth. Friendship.
Nostalgia.
Celebrate the us who once were.

I took him to an arcade bar

Here’s another one for a different man:

Colours. Soundscape.
Juxtaposition of worlds, yours and theirs.
Big city living. Underground eclecticism.
Tourists in our backyard.
Kisses in the alleyway. Hot man. Me.
Imaginings.

I took him to an art battle.

———

Forever is very long. I enjoy peppering my relationships with exploration and creativity.

I strive to have a fun forever, not a forever weighted down with nothing but adult obligations.

If I can not see the fun in my forever, he’s not it.

I’m In My Matilda Moment

It’s a sense of joy that emanates from within, not reliant on external distraction or validation.

I don’t have the perfect formula that got me here. If I did, I would bottle it and gift it to my friends.

• Perhaps it’s my fitness. Or perhaps it’s letting go of my fitness - it’s ok to miss my activity goals once in a while.
• Perhaps it’s my daily ten-minute meditation. Or perhaps it’s letting go of time - I can find the time to meditate despite the running to-do’s.
• Perhaps it’s responding to curt clinic staff with a smile. Or perhaps it’s realizing I don’t have to meet people where they are at - I can stay true to me.

I’m at my bliss point. I call this my Matilda moment.

Close to a year later, I’m here.

Related Post: My Matilda Moment

Worth It

My cousin asked me, are you ok handling our moms on your own in Portugal?

I said, “I’ll try”.

My two moms are getting old. If family mortality pattern is an indicator, I only have five to ten more years with them.

I want to spoil them while I can.

When I saw how happy they were when I told them I’d take them to Portugal, my doubts went away. The meticulous trip planning that’s outside my comfort zone, the flight upgrades, the price I pay for prime hotel locations so that the oldies never need to wobble more than 500m to city centers…

To see my two moms smile, it’s worth it.

Plan for One Move At A Time

A year ago, my realtor responded to my laundry list of must-haves for my next property with, “I suggest you plan for one move at a time.”

At the time, I was fixated on finding a property that would fit every phase of my life - singlehood, potential family life, settling my parents, even retirement. But trying to plan so far ahead narrowed my options. What if my desires change down the line?

His advice, though simple, was profound. It applies not just to real estate but to life itself.

For a while, I wrestled with a tangential question: “Maybe I should wait to buy something with my partner.” But the truth is, he doesn’t exist, not yet. Planning for someone who may or may not enter my life felt like trying to build a house on an empty foundation.

Instead, I decided to focus on what I know. My priorities, my circumstances, my future, as they exist today.

I’ve often worried about how my life will look in my golden years - loneliness, uncertainty, the fear of getting it wrong. But I’m learning to let go. I’ll plan where I can, but I can’t possibly map out every detail of my future. Things will change, and that’s okay.

One move at a time. That’s how I’ll build my life.

Perspective

I fall asleep to podcasts at night. I don’t usually fall asleep to news because it’s often too stimulating, but somehow I did last night.

As Susan Bonner’s voice sank me into a stupor, her story reverberated in a way it wouldn’t have during my waking hours, because I’d likely be multitasking.

The woman in her story explained that she’s only allowed in the shelter until 6 a.m. Access to a snack and hot coffee in this cold weather is always a race against other shelter-seekers. At 6 a.m., she pulls her little carry-on containing all her belongings through the ugly brown sludge not knowing where to go next, in minus 10 degree Canadian weather.

My week has been stressful: lingering flu symptoms that left me bedridden some days, work deadlines piling up, projects going awry, and frustration from cross-functional teams.

However, last night, I was reminded of how small my problems really are.

I felt both grateful yet sorry for the lady in Susan Bonner’s story.

I’m a peck in this Universe. There are bigger problems.

Infallible

Just as I marvel at my good health, the Universe knocks me down a notch.

I caught the flu and was bedridden for two days.

I lost control of my body:

• A 7km walk never felt so taxing.
• I missed my activity goals on Apple Watch.
• I had no mental acuity to do any work despite being awake.
• I couldn’t even do an easy yoga routine properly, I barely held my body weight in a plank.

As well as I take care of my body, one day I will lose control over it.

This leads me to ponder over what old age would be like and what types of plans I need to make to ensure I am ready for my no-longer able body when the day comes.

I’m no Chicken Little. I intend to live until 120 in marvelous health.

Premeditatio malorum is the stoic practice of negative visualization - imagining the worst so that when the worst hits, you’re prepared for it - this is what I’m talking about.

Physically

I have not thought much about my senior care or my living environment. How do I build a community? What does medical assisted suicide look like? How do I continue to live joyfully despite a failing physical frame?

Emotionally

I need better coping mechanisms. I’ve been agitated this week. The flu set me back many days. I had a plan for what I wanted to accomplish upon my return - the plan was a pipe dream.

Objectively, in my state, I’ve done a fair bit:

• I fully unpacked, did my laundry and ironed my annoying romper (I battled with this romper for an hour. Either I’m an unskilled ironer, or the romper was simply obstinate, refusing to be tamed - I vote for the latter).
• I went to the tailor and patched my pencil skirt.
• I washed down my luggage.
• I sorted through my closet and donated 3 bags of clothes I no longer wear.
• I walked 20k steps a day, except for that one day when I slept ¾ of the day away
• I did one yoga routine.
• I food prepped.
• I got my tires changed.
• I made my optometrist and my real estate investment advisory appointments.

But I am behind on work and on my gym routine. Instead of recognizing how much I’ve done, I’m only thinking about what I haven’t done.

This is how I know I need better emotional regulation.

I’ve not meditated regularly in a couple of years. I’ve also not written regularly for months.

Sometimes I go too off-center. Recently, I spent most of my energy building physical strength and learning SQL, at the expense of emotional regulation practices.

As a result, I’m annoyed at myself, at people around me and at friends who message me. Not joyful at all.

I think this is a sign that I need to bring myself back into balance.

Happy Belated Birthday, Me

A little belated. But here we go again!

Health & Fitness

• Score: 7.5
• I can do one unassisted pull-up now! I’ve lost about 4 lbs but I am still not where I’d like aesthetically. I’ve also gotten stronger.
• 2025 Goals: 3 unbroken unassisted pull-ups. Build muscle, lean out, shred.

Intellectual

• Score: 8
• I continue to feed my intellectual curiosity with the usual repertoire: world affairs, economics, society, personal finance, self-help, health & fitness. I started Datacamp, an online SQL bootcamp. So far, I’ve maintained a 90 day streak where I do a small SQL practice exercise daily. I’m challenging myself to grow even though the topic is outside my comfort zone. Additionally, I returned to words in 2024, losing myself in fiction many nights before bed.
• 2025 Goal: Become an intermediate user of SQL.

Emotional

• Score: 7
• Keith and I broke up in 2024. It was just a 5 month relationship. I was sad but I recovered quickly, albeit harbouring some resentment. I’ve recently realized the resentment is still in me even though I don’t act on it. Romantic relationship is usually my emotional trigger. I’m feel at peace - whether I end up with someone, or live a life on my own. I’m not looking nor am I closed to the idea of a partner. Acceptance brings emotional stability.
• 2025 Goal: Maintain

Character

• Score: 6
• I regressed. I sought petty gains at the expense of integrity. I’m not proud of it.
• 2025 Goal: Reverse my regression. It’s not worth it.

Spiritual

• Score: 7
• During my breakup, I turned to spirituality to nurse the breakup. My stoicism and general sense of acceptance is an indication of spiritual maturity.
• 2025 Goal: Be joyful.

Love relationship

• Score: 7
• One door closes, another opens. My breakup gifted me a new group of friends. I became close to my ex’s girl friends. We wouldn’t have gotten as close if him and I were still together. So my breakup opened the door to new friendship.
• 2025 Goal: Status quo

Parenting

• Score: 9
• I began to see how great my life could be without kids. This is a huge step - I was plague with fear, fearful of how lonely I’d be without kids. But I’m beginning to see how great my golden-age community could be if I plant the seeds now.
• 2025 Goal: Plan for my senior, joyful and healthy years.

Social

• Score: 8
• I made new friends and remained close to my old friends. Although I don’t see Clem often, I am very happy we kept up with our routine phone chats.
• 2025 Goal: Maintain

Financial

• Score: 9
• My mid-year goal was to save enough downpayment for my investment property without remortgaging my primary home. I did it, ahead of schedule. I surprised myself.
• 2025 Goal: Buy a triplex and become a landlord. Diversify my income.

Career

• Score: 7
• I had to earn the trust of a new manager due to a reorg. I was not happy about the change but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I spent 2024 cementing my foundation: building trust and credibility. However, my track to promotion was delayed as my advocates left the business.
• 2025 Goal: Earn my promotion. Land a next role that will lead me to a General Manager role. I want to lead a business unit.

Quality of life

• Score: 8.5
• Life is good. I am enjoying the suburbs, my friends are all close by. Matt and Lucy moved to Yonge and Sheppard and I walk to their home on my long walks. I’m less frugal and more willing to spend on myself and my family. I’ve spent a ton on skin care and good food in 2024.
• 2025 Goal: Maintain